10 Steps to Independence

Promoting Self-Determination in the Home 

It happens in almost every family.  The final outcome of parenting.  One day, your children leave.  As they go, you pray that your son or daughter has the skills and abilities to make it.  The road leading to this moment is sometimes rocky.  It may be marked by adolescent hijinks, which look, from the parent's point of view, like rebellion or downright hardheadedness.  However, those trying times are necessary steps toward independence.  Adolescents need to learn to make choices and decisions, and this may be more important for adolescents who have a disability.

The road leading to a successful transition from childhood to adulthood begins much earlier than the teenage years.  It starts when children learn about themselves, their strengths and weaknesses and, in so doing, begin to value themselves.  It ends when, as adults, these same children can take control over choices and decisions, which impact their lives and take responsibility for their actions.  This is called self-determination.

For children with mental retardation and developmental disabilities, families and teachers may need to take extra responsibility to be sure that this process occurs.  Children learn many of the attitudes and abilities leading to self-determination by watching their families.  Experiences teaching these lessons must be provided to children with disabilities and not left to chance.  Here are 10 ways that the family can play a critical role in teaching their son or daughter to be self-determined.

  1. Walk the tightrope between protection and independence.  Allow your son or daughter to explore his or her world.  This may mean biting your lip and watching form the kitchen window when your child first meets the neighbor's kids, instead of running out to supervise.  While there are obvious limits, all parents have to "let go", and it is never easy.
  2. Children need to learn that what they say or do is important and can have influence on others.  This involves allowing risk-taking and exploration.  Encourage your child to ask questions and express opinions.  Involvement in family discussions and decision-making sessions is one way of providing this opportunity to learn.
  3. Self-worth and self-confidence are critical factors in the development of self-determination.  Model your own sense of positive self-esteem to your child.  Tell your child that she is important by spending time with her.  Again, involve her in family activities and in family decisions.
  4. Don't run away from questions from your child about differences related to his disability.  That doesn't mean, however, to focus on the negative side of the condition.  Stress that everyone is an individual, encourage your child's unique abilities, and help him to accept unavoidable limitations.
  5. Recognize the process of reaching goals don't just emphasize outcomes.  Children need to learn to work toward goals.  For older children, encourage skills like organization and goal setting by modeling these behaviors.  Make lists or hang a marker board in the laundry room, which shows the daily schedule for each family member.  Talk about the steps you are going to use to complete the task and involve them in tasks leading to family goals, such as planning for a vacation.
  6. Schedule opportunities for interactions with children of different ages and backgrounds.  This could be in daycare centers, schools, churches, and when playing in the neighborhood.  Start early in finding chances for your son or daughter to participate in activities that help all children realize everyone is unique.
  7. Set realistic but ambitious expectations.  The adage that goals should extend just beyond our reach is true here.  Take an active role in your child's education experience.  Be familiar with his or her reading ability and identify books that provide enough challenge to move to the next reading level.  Be sure you don't assume that all of the progress should occur at school.
  8. Allow your child to take responsibility for her own actions...successes and failures!  Provide valid reasons for doing things instead of simply saying, "because I said so!"  Providing explanations provides the opportunity for the child to make an activity his own.
  9. Don't leave choice-making opportunities to chance.  Take every opportunity to allow your child to make choices; what she wears, what is served for dinner, or where the family goes on vacation.  And, although this is not always practical or possible, make sure that these choice opportunities are meaningful.  For example, for most children choosing between broccoli and cauliflower is not a choice!  Also, when offering choices, make sure that the child's decision is honored.
  10. Provide honest, positive feedback.  Focus on the behavior or task that needs to be changed.  Don't make your child feel like a failure.  For example, if your son or daughter attempts to complete a school activity, say a math sheet, but is unable to do so, phrase the feedback so that he or she knows that the failure was specific to the worksheet and not in him or her.  We all learn from our mistakes, but only if they are structured so that they don not lead us to believe that the problem is within us.

Reproduced with permission from The Arc.  Written by Sharon Davis, Ph.D. and Michael Wehmeyer, Ph.D.

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